The Demon Awakens…
Disclaimer: What you are about to read is from the darkest recesses of my mind. You have been warned. This is a big “Turn back now” sign.
Shit, well the name says it all. Another sleepless night where the demon has come out to play. Negative thoughts and feelings, so whatever problem i have, i have labelled as “the demon”. Not only does this give me a face to fight, but it makes it more real, and a part of me that i know isnt right.
Now on to clearing my mind of this hopefully:
Ive been feeling it all day, this spiral coming. I just havnt felt right and my parents annoying me didnt help. Normally the 2 hour drive there and 2 hours back allows me to clear my mind, but it just made me worse.
Yes its the same old story, im thinking of her, thinking of what i lost and that i shouldnt have really lost it in the first place. I was thinking of how i was jealous of her lifestyle; her choices that she had, the friends who want to see her, the dreams she was chasing.
I was also thinking about how if she thinks im so great, if she believes im really someone different on this earth, how come it has come to this? how come she didnt want more?
The very fact she wanted to see others makes me think that obviously i wasnt good enough for her, because if i was she wouldnt want to do that.
Shes afraid of damaging me for future girls. I already am damaged. I can not get any more damaged.
I should be feeling good. i have somewhere permanent to live that i have to move to….ok thats all i can really feel good about at the moment.
i have no prospects, not that i want them. I have hardly any friends, and no-one seems interested in being one, well a real one at least, and not just virtual. Im trying to get comfortable being alone, because it really feels like thats all ill ever amount too.
I was in a bad shape before i met her, essentially i was at the point of giving up and when she came into my life i actually said to myself that she’s my last chance at redemption, at actually being something and having what i want.
Yes there are plenty of fish in the sea, yes there may be plenty of people out there who want to be friends, but come on. I hardly go out. i hardly do anything that anyone else wants to do. I cant make friends doing anything alone. it just doesnt work for me.
oh well whatever. My mind is beat from trying to hold myself up. My heart is broken from the betrayal of close trusted friends, brothers almost, and a million rejections. My body is falling into a state of disrepair. Im just losing myself again and this time there wont be anyone there to save me.
It hasnt done much to clear my mind, but its helped a little. Either way, bye for now.
